Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
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My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
#MeanwhileinCanada
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter