There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
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My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.