My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
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It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I’m ready for Halloween this year
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
*offers Batman cough drops*
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…