Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
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OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
thank god
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
This made me chuckle.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
This story is comedy gold 😂
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard