When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?