My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
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I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Lmfaoooooo
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.