[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
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In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
True.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…