Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
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I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.