Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
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You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
My work here is done
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
[at the general store]
me: one general please
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.