Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
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*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic