as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
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Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
what it’s like dating me:
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
⚠️ Important Reminder:
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else