(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
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If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
When you’re here for the treats.
I already tried new things thanks.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen