Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
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[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop