Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
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my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”