Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
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Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Had to try this trend 😊
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.