I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
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what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.