mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
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Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
yall want some gasoline milk