Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
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Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.