My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
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*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
IT’S-A ME,
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them