Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
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I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?