follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
You Might Also Like
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
😩😩😩
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?