Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
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[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.