A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
You Might Also Like
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.