The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
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I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby