The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
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[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Breaking news:
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.