A lot of folks out there missing the point…
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“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
When news reporters do sports stories
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair