Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
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My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds