I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
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can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
don’t be scared
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.