Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
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Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]