Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
You Might Also Like
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly