I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
You Might Also Like
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
So inspired right now.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.