can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
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Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease