WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
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Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough