I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
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A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.