sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
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How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I need a headline like this
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk