me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
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Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it