Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
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4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Its a hippotatomus
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Looking at you, Jesus.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.