Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
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I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Anyone really
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.