I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
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heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van