My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
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the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
それは草
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
*watches the world burn*
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently