Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
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me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.