I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
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hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Cats (2019)
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Life with a cat in one tweet
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake