*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
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The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???