I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
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All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Finished stitching this today 😇
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
the official breakfast of 2021
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE