BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
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Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.