I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
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3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.