Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
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A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant