Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
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5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!