“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
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I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.