Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
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I did not eat the cake…
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.